It would be wrong if I say that I had a disturbed or a traumatic childhood. Just the opposite, I was brought up in a very loving and caring environment. But everyone has his or her own problems. Some people say that they were bullied when they were kids. Some people say that they were beaten by their parents. Thankfully, I faced nothing like that. But I faced very different problems. One of the major problems I faced was ‘Thinking in a Loop syndrome’ (TLS). In medical language, there is nothing like TLS exists. I created it – not the problem but the name.
Now, what is TLS? Let me give you an example. Suppose I lock you in a dark room with a pair of permanently attached earphones, with the most disturbing lyrics playing in it. How will you feel? Trapped right? That’s what TLS is.When your thinking becomes like a tape recorder, and you start thinking self-destructive, pessimistic, and negative thoughts in a loop, it can be briefly termed as TLS.
My dear friends, when I was in school, I had this habit of getting lost in my thoughts. So whenever the teacher used to teach the class, after paying attention for a couple of minutes I generally tend to lose attention. Once it happened that my History teacher was giving a lecture on Nazis and Hitler. I was very attentive in the beginning. As the lecture proceeded, he was explaining about the brutality against Jews and that famous gas chamber incident. And there I was stuck and entered into my world. I was stuck in that gas chamber, but the lecture moved with its pace. Hitler was there in the room, he created beneath the ground, but I was still there in the gas chamber. Hitler committed suicide, but I was still in the gas chamber with those poor Jews who were about to die.
What I heard next was my amazing teacher asking me questions related to the chapter, which thankfully helped me coming out of the gas chamber, but unfortunately, I didn’t know the answer. The result – the whole class was laughing at me for my blank expressions. That is where my TLS appears.
I’m Dumb.
I’m stupid.
I’m worthless.
I’m going to flunk this year too.
Thankfully, I passed that year, but I was unable to find a permanent solution to my loop thinking or my TLS.
Now when you grow up and meet new people, the first thing you do is, you try to forge a new personality. And in the process of forging a new personality, you try to cover up your problems, your shortcomings, and your past mistakes. The process of forging a new personality is somewhat similar to painting an old house from outside, without repairing it from inside.
So I went to college, met new people, and my TLS disappeared for a while.
I started working in an organization. The first few months were good. But then my TLS entered again in my life.
I was reprimanded for making silly mistakes. I was scolded and again gave me a title for being so dumb. I was even scolded for among a group of people. I can’t blame anyone, it is a part of their job. But that gave me a reason to believe that I’m worthless, stupid, dumb, and not good enough to be the part of the corporate world.
I resigned and started working with my Dad in a little business of his hoses for tractors and cranes.
One day I was coming from a public bus from my office. I gave some money to the conductor of the bus for the ticket and ask for the change. He told me to wait. I waited for a while and asked again for the change.
And he kind of scolded me and told me to have some patience.
Though it’s hard to believe and you might also find it funny, but I couldn’t look into his eyes and I de-boarded the bus at the next station, without collecting my change.
I sat at the bus stop for a while and I don’t know what happened to me. For the first time in my life, I thought that I can’t spend my life like that. I can’t have an ever attached earphone stuck in my ears, which makes me believe that I’m dumb or stupid or worthless. I felt the utmost need to express myself. I feel like making myself as well as other people understand that I’m not that stupid.
If a turning point exists in someone’s life, that was mine.
I didn’t mean that I became a different man all over, but I’m happy in whatever I’m doing. I love expressing myself via writing or speaking. I have some amazing friends, who help me to come out of that shell.
But my friends, we need to believe ourselves. We need to love ourselves. We need to believe that we are perfect in our way. We need to believe that we are beautiful as we are. We need to understand the fact that we can’t love anyone else without loving ourselves first.
I would love to write more about this shift, but let’s keep it for some other day.
Till then, love yourself as much as you can… and some more.
Love, Laughter, and Peace
HRN
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